My Pity Party

So my life blows. And I need to vent.

I want God to tell me what I've done wrong. What have I done wrong that would justify my children being crushed in a building? to have my property stolen? to be sick all the time, with boils and ulcers? What did I do?

Maybe it just makes Him happy to watch me suffer. Meanwhile, there's serial-rapists and axe-murderers out doing just fine. Couldn't He give them a few of my problems?

People are always quick to point out my faults - to judge. But God is GOD. Shouldn't He be looking at my heart? He should know my heart is innocent. He made me. And now it's like He wants me dead. (sounds like what my mother used to say, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!")

I always thought God to be on my side - working for my good and all. But it seems He's just been waiting for me to screw up. I would love to know what I did to deserve this punishment. If I was guilty, I would accept my sentence! I am ashamed of the things I do wrong. I know that 'pride comes before a fall'. But what did I do?

Every day, there is something new to oppress me. Last week, I got an ulcer; yesterday, my insurance says they won't be covering doctor bills (cause its 'experimental' ...ok). Today, my credit card gets denied. Tomorrow... I can only imagine!

If this is what my life is supposed to be, then why was I even born? Why did I even get that first gulp of oxygen? And how many of those gulps do I have left? I think I could count them on my hands. I wish I could feel better, get healthy, for just a day. Just one day before its over.

They say people see a bright light as they get closer to the end...

What if that light is kind of dim and flickering?