Might as well do something that deserves punishing, right?
I must've been screaming in my sleep last night. Which is surprising mostly because that's the first I've really slept for a week. But whatever I said got my neighbor, Bill, pretty concerned about me. He was "just wanting to borrow some sugar" at 7:30 this morning.
Bill, don't you think it's a little early to be baking cupcakes?
"Sleep well last night? I heard you yelling; sounded like you were having nightmares."
Nah. Why would I have nightmares? My life is perfect.
"Don't be sarcastic. I know you're going through some heavy stuff. But don't be so hard on yourself. You're only making it worse."
Dangit. Bill's getting soft on me. He's right though. Big cry-baby.
"You aren't being singled out just to be tormented. God isn't out to get you. He doesn't play whack-a-mole with you life. When people sin, he disciplines them. When my Billy does wrong, I whoop him. He needs to understand that actions have consequences. God treats us the same way. If you're not doing wrong, then you don't get whooped. It's all so we -and Billy- become better people."
So why am I going through all this? Is there an appeals process? How do you question God? He'd probably strike you with a big old lightning bolt, right then and there.
"Go ask somebody who's been there, who's gone through a rough patch or two. What have they learned? We aren't that old. There are old geezers who know a lot more than we do. They can't see, hear, walk, or drive - but they'll talk your ear off. And you might get something out of it."
Bill, I'm not going to visit your grandpa in the old folks home. It smells in there. But I hear you. God is huge though. How am I supposed to survive these troubles? He causes earthquakes like you and I shake a snowglobe. He decides if it's rainy or sunny - and we know the weather man can't predict Him. You don't just 'be strong' for that.
"Does your grass grow when it doesn't rain? It tries. But no sooner does it start, then it goes brown. That's what happens to us when we start seeing God has the 'bad guy'."
'Bad guy'? Bill, if He were to walk up this sidewalk, into your garage, take the keys to your vintage Caddy, and drive away... What would you say??? 'Umm, Mister Jesus, what are you doing?' NO! You'd just stand there. AND you would like it.
"You don't get it. It's like you're building a treehouse in a sapling..."
No. You don't get it. God does what He wants. You can't argue with Him. How can I explain to Him that I don't deserve this? I could beg. Maybe.
"How about when you weed your flower beds? You pull those weeds up. And pretty flowers grow in their place..."
Even if I got a chance to talk to God. Maybe a chance to beg. Would he listen to me? I'd be like a single ant underneath a giant foot. I'd get squashed just because I was annoying Him. I think God has really big feet...
"God would not ignore an innocent person."
I am innocent. Not that it matters. I'm been punished anyway. I hate it. I hate my own life. It doesn't matter what I do. I can be a bad person, and I get sick. I can be a good person, and get a disease. I'm going to die either way. Why should I work so hard at being good when being bad is so much easier - and results in the same thing! I might has well do what I'm accused of. There is nothing I could say to make things better. Nothing I could do to prove my innocence. It would just look like excuses. And then, my problems would get worse. If God was like us, I could reason with Him, even if we had some sort of middle-man. But that is impossible.
"And yet, He will still fill your mouth with laughter - one day. You're going to be throwing parties, having a good time. You'll have forgotten all about this mess."
Are you dumb? I am dying. I'm sick. All that I've worked for is gone. My children are all dead. My days are numbered. I could stop complaining. I could put on a fake smile. But nothing changes. I still despise waking up each morning.
"And yet, He will still fill your mouth with laughter - one day. You're going to be throwing parties, having a good time. You'll have forgotten all about this mess."
Bill repeats himself in only 2 circumstances. Really only one, if its verbatim. Either a) he thinks you don't understand him, or b) He's stopped listening and just wants to repeat his last point. Either way he still hasn't started those cupcakes. But I am starting to see some hope.
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