Stop helping! it's not working

My friend Eli called me trying to cheer me up. I almost hung the phone up on him.
The first thing he says is, "I know its none of my business, but..."
     Great way to start a conversation. If its not your business, why'd you call?
"So you've helped a lot of people, right? You've volunteered, you're always helping somebody who's down on their luck."
     OK. He's piling it on pretty thick. I mean, this all true, but why bring it up now?
"I was thinking, why is all this bad luck coming to you all of a sudden? Why now? in such a short amount of time? Shouldn't some of the good karma you've spread come back around? What goes around comes around, is what I've always heard."
     If I know Eli, he'll start some grand preconceived lecture any second now... And it will have some analogy that has animals in it... every time...
"I mean, all those people that are constantly treating people badly are the same who are getting bad in return."
     Here come the animals...
"Take dogs for example, you'll see an innocent little child slapping a dog and pulling its ears. And the dog will just lay there and take the abuse. But take the same dog with a person does others wrongly, and that dog will get nasty in a hurry! I was watching the ants the other day...
     More animals!
"...and you have your worker ants, and your army ants, and your queen ant. Obviously the queen is in charge, but what if a worker took charge? He'd be killed by the army! And if a army ant took charge, he'd definitely get killed, 'cause he's held to a higher standard than a measly worker ant."
     I'm confused. What happened to the angry dog?
"But its like, us humans can't be better than God. I mean he even judges His own angels! We're definitely low on the totem pole."
     Gosh, Eli. Had to take the longest possible route for that one, huh?
"Kinda reminds me that our lives are like, just a day. And then we die. Crazy."
     Thats what I needed to hear - more death. CLICK!

I was a mistake

It wasn't supposed to happen. That day, when the doctor shouted, "It's a boy!"
My birthday shouldn't have been a day at all. The sun should have never broke the horizon. I wish God would just erase that day. Everyone should've slept right through it.
"12th, 13th, 15th, 16th..." Take it off the calendar. Keep that doctor quiet; don't let him shout.
Whoever wants to curse a day: Curse this one.
I wish my mother's womb never opened, then I wouldn't have to go through this.
Why didn't I die during birth? Couldn't I have been stillborn? Why was I born to a mother who cared for me? Why couldn't i just die as an infant?
If I was, I would have some peace. I would be lying next to the men and women already gone. They don't have any problems. Can't say I'm not jealous.
If I were 6 feet under, no more trouble,  no more running, no more work, no more shouting.
Everyone else is under that dirt, the rich, the poor, short and tall, famous and meaningless.
Why do I have to wake up every morning to the sun shining? It only reminds me of my pain. As much as I wish for death, it doesn't come. Why is another day wasted on me? someone who has no future? God has no plan for me, this oxygen I breathe is meant for someone else.
Everything I used to be afraid might happen, could happen - it all has happened.
Not a thing goes right.
No peace, no quietness, no rest, only turmoil.

You think this might be poison ivy?

I don't know WHAT I got into! GRRRRRR!
I am SO itchy!
There is this tree in my back yard that has lots of rough bark on it. Well, I looked like the bear from that movie the Jungle Book. I just took my shirt off and started rubbing my back against it. It's not even helping! I'm just cutting myself open and making it worse.
My wife keeps telling me I have skin ulcers. Well how can she tell where my scratches end and my ulcers begin?! She then asks me why God would let this happen to me. What have I done to deserve this?
I tell her "God has given me more good health and things than I could ever keep track of. How can I blame him for just a little bad?"

Oh great...! Now she's on the phone with the captain of my softball team...
I'm never gonna live this down.

Does insurance cover this?

So today started out great! It was our annual family reunion. All my kids were in town. Most of them were making a weekend of it, catching up with old friends and all. We had a family lunch at my house, but the kids couldn't take much more of us talking about old times and embarrassing them with their baby pictures. The oldest decided they should all retreat to his house where they could enjoy themselves without the old folks bothering them. Ha! I didn't mind. I was just surprised to see all 10 of them actually agreeing on something! (I wish that could've happened a little more during the long vacation road trips).

This is where my day turned sour (not them leaving as much, as what happened as soon as they had all left). As I watched the last of their rental cars and taxis pull out of the driveway, my Crop Foreman came running my way (nearly getting himself run over in the process). It's no short jog from where his crew was plowing, to the house, so I asked him why he wasn't driving the new truck I had bought him. He didn't bother answering that question, instead he replied,

"I had the new fleet of tractors out plowing while the older ones went back to the shop to refuel. But before we could even get started, a dozen men came in masks carrying guns! They took the keys right from our hands! I saw them shoot each of our workers as they surrendered the keys. They were going to shoot me, but I jumped from the truck and high-tailed it here."

This is bad. These vandals are out of control!

Then I saw my newest cowpoke running up the driveway. I never saw a man run so fast in boots.

"Sir, sir! There was a brush-fire on the plains! It happened so fast! We could even get the herd out of the way. They got trapped and burnt alive! The herd, the cowboys, all of them! I was just getting back from fetching everyones coffee and saw it all. I came straight here!"

This is really, really bad. It's not even the dry season...

Is that another person running up the drive? Yep. My most loyal employee, my horse trainer.

Wait... I recognize that frantic look...

"Boss! They stole them! The whole team, took every one! They stole all the horses and beat the stable boys til they stopped breathing! I hid in the hay loft where they wouldn't see me. They're all gone, Boss!"

This is really, really, really bad. ...Maybe I'm on that show "Punk'd"! Where's Ashton Kutcher?

And now a taxi comes flying up the driveway. I really need to find a better spot to hang out.

The driver jumps out and says,

"Sir, I just came back from your son's house. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but a rogue tornado developed by your son's house and totally flattened it! The fire department is sorting through the rubble, but the chief says no one survives demolitions like this one."

I had listened to all this in silence, but I couldn't keep it in any more!

I collapsed on the driveway. I started puling my hair out. Why?

I cried out:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

Doesn't make the hurt stop though...