You think you're better than me...?

  Everybody thinks they're so smart. I'm no idiot either. Don't be so high and mighty. All these things you tell me to do, don't you think I've thought of them?
  Everyone laughs at me because of circumstances I can't control. It's not my fault they're happening. But everybody thinks they can tell me how to fix it. It must be easy for people living on top to tell everyone living below that they're wrong. These people don't even know why their lives are so dandy. So they need to shutup!
  Do you know you does appreciate where their security comes from? The animals, the birds and such. Everyday they wake up, and before they do anything the birds are chirping and singing. I like to think they're thanking God that their nests are still in the trees, their little eggs are one day closer to hatching, and now they can gather all the worms and other stuff birds eat. But they know they didn't do anything to deserve that. And they don't come tell me, "If you did this and that, you wouldn't be having these problems."  
  How do you know what is best for me, when you've never been where I am? You're not me. Never will be. If I wanted help, I'd ask somebody that has gone through it. They would know what I'm feeling, and how to deal with it. But I think I might just take my lesson from the birds. If he bothers to take such great care of such tiny critters like them, I think he'd take care of me.
  Then you'd look pretty stupid, huh? All this stuff you tell me is worthless. The doctors, the lawyers, the debt counselors, you... all say the same thing. You're no better than I am. Don't tell me that you are,or that it's all my fault. You should do yourself a favor and keep quiet before you find your foot in your mouth.
  Are you really going to tell me that your way is the only way to help me? How would you know? What if the tables were turned? Would you give yourself the same advice? I bet you wouldn't survive half of what I've been through. Your little quotes and sayings, are stupid and don't work. If I listened to you, I'd probably be dead. But I know who to trust.
  You tell me I'm wrong, but you can't tell me WHAT I've done wrong. The things I've done wrong are for God to judge.
  I've got two requests for God. A) Reverse all these problems I'm going through. B) Stop the threats of more problems. I don't deserve this, I'm a good person. If I ahve sinned show them to me.
  Why are all thing s piling up on me? I have enough problems. And yet, more and more come. I'm just one person. I was born and I'll live like 70-80 years and then die. Why do those years have to be filled with so much stress? Am I being picked on? I'm only going to live so long. Can I please be left alone until my time is up?
  Even trees have it better than I do. If someone cuts down a tree, the stump will sprout again. If the stump dies, and the roots rot, there are still seeds it left that will grow into a forest. But I have no such luck. When I'm gone, there's no coming back. The only benefit is that after I die, I won't have to worry about anything! Ha!
  If I die, can I live again. Not on earth, for sure. God, if you will call me when I'm in the grave, I will pick up the phone! I think you would want this marvelous creature you've created. Then, the things I've done wrong won't matter any more. They'll be hidden, and no one will find them because God will have hidden them. Just like when I was little and my mom used to hide things on top the refrigerator!
  When I'm gone, life will go on on earth. People will get promotions, people will be born, get sick, sleep, move, and die. And I will be totally oblivious to it all!

An email From Mr. Z

I'm just gonna copy/paste this in here...

Dear Job,

  I've heard of your circumstance, and thought I could offer some 'constructive critism'. 

  Has nobody called you out on these things you're saying? Has no one really thought to contradict you on your unwillingness to live?? I hear you saying, "I am perfect. I have not sinned." I am highly doubtful that God would agree with you there. I'm sure he'd have more to say on the subject. There are two sides to every story. Don't forget that we have all sinned. I think I've sinned so much, that God may have forgotten some - simply out of the quantity.

  Do you KNOW what God had planned for you? No. Can you tell where he draws the line? No. The line may be deep in the ocean, or way up in the stratosphere. You may not be able to even go where he says is 'enough'. If he finds you guilty of sin, justifying all your problems, can you tell him he's wrong? No. What goes around comes around. Haven't you seen a person get what's coming to them?

  Maybe you have sinned. But that's between you and God. If you have, you need to A) Stop. B) Get rid of the desire to do that. C) Ask God to forgive you, and pardon your punishment. Then you will be free of this. You won't have to worry all the time.

  I know because it happened to me. When I did that, it was like God was taking care of my problems for me. No matter what happened, I knew he would see me through until it was resolved. I felt safe. 

  Take care, Mr. Z

My Pity Party

So my life blows. And I need to vent.

I want God to tell me what I've done wrong. What have I done wrong that would justify my children being crushed in a building? to have my property stolen? to be sick all the time, with boils and ulcers? What did I do?

Maybe it just makes Him happy to watch me suffer. Meanwhile, there's serial-rapists and axe-murderers out doing just fine. Couldn't He give them a few of my problems?

People are always quick to point out my faults - to judge. But God is GOD. Shouldn't He be looking at my heart? He should know my heart is innocent. He made me. And now it's like He wants me dead. (sounds like what my mother used to say, "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!")

I always thought God to be on my side - working for my good and all. But it seems He's just been waiting for me to screw up. I would love to know what I did to deserve this punishment. If I was guilty, I would accept my sentence! I am ashamed of the things I do wrong. I know that 'pride comes before a fall'. But what did I do?

Every day, there is something new to oppress me. Last week, I got an ulcer; yesterday, my insurance says they won't be covering doctor bills (cause its 'experimental' ...ok). Today, my credit card gets denied. Tomorrow... I can only imagine!

If this is what my life is supposed to be, then why was I even born? Why did I even get that first gulp of oxygen? And how many of those gulps do I have left? I think I could count them on my hands. I wish I could feel better, get healthy, for just a day. Just one day before its over.

They say people see a bright light as they get closer to the end...

What if that light is kind of dim and flickering?

If I do good, I get punished; so why not do bad?

Might as well do something that deserves punishing, right?

I must've been screaming in my sleep last night. Which is surprising mostly because that's the first I've really slept for a week. But whatever I said got my neighbor, Bill, pretty concerned about me. He was "just wanting to borrow some sugar" at 7:30 this morning.

     Bill, don't you think it's a little early to be baking cupcakes?

"Sleep well last night? I heard you yelling; sounded like you were having nightmares."

     Nah. Why would I have nightmares? My life is perfect.

"Don't be sarcastic. I know you're going through some heavy stuff. But don't be so hard on yourself. You're only making it worse."

     Dangit. Bill's getting soft on me. He's right though. Big cry-baby.

"You aren't being singled out just to be tormented. God isn't out to get you. He doesn't play whack-a-mole with you life. When people sin, he disciplines them. When my Billy does wrong, I whoop him. He needs to understand that actions have consequences. God treats us the same way. If you're not doing wrong, then you don't get whooped. It's all so we -and Billy- become better people."

     So why am I going through all this? Is there an appeals process? How do you question God? He'd probably strike you with a big old lightning bolt, right then and there.

"Go ask somebody who's been there, who's gone through a rough patch or two. What have they learned? We aren't that old. There are old geezers who know a lot more than we do. They can't see, hear, walk, or drive - but they'll talk your ear off. And you might get something out of it."

     Bill, I'm not going to visit your grandpa in the old folks home. It smells in there. But I hear you. God is huge though. How am I supposed to survive these troubles? He causes earthquakes like you and I shake a snowglobe. He decides if it's rainy or sunny - and we know the weather man can't predict Him. You don't just 'be strong' for that.

"Does your grass grow when it doesn't rain? It tries. But no sooner does it start, then it goes brown. That's what happens to us when we start seeing God has the 'bad guy'."

     'Bad guy'? Bill, if He were to walk up this sidewalk, into your garage, take the keys to your vintage Caddy, and drive away... What would you say??? 'Umm, Mister Jesus, what are you doing?' NO! You'd just stand there. AND you would like it.

"You don't get it. It's like you're building a treehouse in a sapling..."

     No. You don't get it. God does what He wants. You can't argue with Him. How can I explain to Him that I don't deserve this? I could beg. Maybe.

"How about when you weed your flower beds? You pull those weeds up. And pretty flowers grow in their place..."

     Even if I got a chance to talk to God. Maybe a chance to beg. Would he listen to me? I'd be like a single ant underneath a giant foot. I'd get squashed just because I was annoying Him. I think God has really big feet...

"God would not ignore an innocent person."

     I am innocent. Not that it matters. I'm been punished anyway. I hate it. I hate my own life. It doesn't matter what I do. I can be a bad person, and I get sick. I can be a good person, and get a disease. I'm going to die either way. Why should I work so hard at being good when being bad is so much easier - and results in the same thing! I might has well do what I'm accused of. There is nothing I could say to make things better. Nothing I could do to prove my innocence. It would just look like excuses. And then, my problems would get worse. If God was like us, I could reason with Him, even if we had some sort of middle-man. But that is impossible.

"And yet, He will still fill your mouth with laughter - one day. You're going to be throwing parties, having a good time. You'll have forgotten all about this mess."

     Are you dumb? I am dying. I'm sick. All that I've worked for is gone. My children are all dead. My days are numbered. I could stop complaining. I could put on a fake smile. But nothing changes. I still despise waking up each morning.

"And yet, He will still fill your mouth with laughter - one day. You're going to be throwing parties, having a good time. You'll have forgotten all about this mess."

Bill repeats himself in only 2 circumstances. Really only one, if its verbatim. Either a) he thinks you don't understand him, or b) He's stopped listening and just wants to repeat his last point. Either way he still hasn't started those cupcakes. But I am starting to see some hope.

Why Me?

If somebody only knew how I felt, knew what how I feel. All of these things are aimed at me. My kids, my business, my property... all destroyed. Everything against me. Why is God playing target practice with me? I thought he'd have better aim and just take me out!
I wish he would. It'd put an end to this misery.
Why do I still hold onto hope? Why am I so patient with all these problems?
I am only human; how much until I break? I don't see a way out of this mess.
And my friends are no help. They come and go, never really there for me. I have never asked them for a handout. In all that I've been through, I've never said, "Just let me borrow..."
What did I do wrong? Is this punishment for something?
Look at my actions. I've gone through this as well as any could. Has my integrity been compromised?
How much longer will this last? I will have to die one day, soon probably. I lie down and wonder if I will get up. But then I cannot fall asleep. I toss and turn all night. My life seems so short, but my body makes me feel every minute of every day. I cannot keep from complaining. The deepest parts of me are being tortured.
When I do fall asleep, even my dreams become nightmares. I'm not sure which are reality and which are imagined anymore. I despise the body I live in. I wish it would end. I prefer it to end.
Why am I so special to have to wake up every morning? especially to such pain. Why do I have to be put through so much every day? I want to be left alone. Just for a minute.
If I have done something wrong, how do I make it right? Will that fix this?
Soon I will lay down one last time.
Someone will call for me, but I will not answer.