Dear Job,
I've heard of your circumstance, and thought I could offer some 'constructive critism'.
Has nobody called you out on these things you're saying? Has no one really thought to contradict you on your unwillingness to live?? I hear you saying, "I am perfect. I have not sinned." I am highly doubtful that God would agree with you there. I'm sure he'd have more to say on the subject. There are two sides to every story. Don't forget that we have all sinned. I think I've sinned so much, that God may have forgotten some - simply out of the quantity.
Do you KNOW what God had planned for you? No. Can you tell where he draws the line? No. The line may be deep in the ocean, or way up in the stratosphere. You may not be able to even go where he says is 'enough'. If he finds you guilty of sin, justifying all your problems, can you tell him he's wrong? No. What goes around comes around. Haven't you seen a person get what's coming to them?
Maybe you have sinned. But that's between you and God. If you have, you need to A) Stop. B) Get rid of the desire to do that. C) Ask God to forgive you, and pardon your punishment. Then you will be free of this. You won't have to worry all the time.
I know because it happened to me. When I did that, it was like God was taking care of my problems for me. No matter what happened, I knew he would see me through until it was resolved. I felt safe.
Take care, Mr. Z
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