God is Like Grass

I've written quite a bit about the conversations I've had with people recently. People are all pretty sure I deserve the hand that's I've been dealt. I could tell another half dozen stories about more of the same. But, there was one conversation that puts the other's to shame. It's not really even the conversation itself. But it's who was saying, and what happened during it, and after it that makes it special.


So after awhile all of these people who've had such 'good advice' have either gotten tired of me or just came to the realization that I'm right. (or maybe I'm just more stubborn than they are). Anyway, this neighbor boy who cuts lawns around the block, came walking up my driveway. I don't like this kid. He's like 12 or 13. But at the same time, I think that this kid is going to grow up to be the CEO of the biggest company ever. He has an amazing business plan. He mows like 2/3 of the lawns in my neighborhood. That's a really good amount of lawns for a 13 year old to be mowing. He got all these customers by mowing lawns of people who weren't his customers. He'd just notice somebody's yard was a little high than go mow it. NIce kid, right? NO. Then he'd tape a bill to your door! And of course no one's going to say no to a little 13 year old kid sweating like crazy, pushing a lawn mower up and down the block. So the home owner pays and says, "Thanks. But, no thanks." This kid keeps mowing. And charging. Now he says paying once constitutes a contract. Yep! This kid is going to own a nationwide lawn business.


But here he comes, walking up my driveway. And he looks pretty perturbed. I'm pretty sure I paid him, so it must be something else. He comes right up to me, and before I can even say Hello, he starts lecturing me. He's 13.


  "So I've seen your neighbors over here telling you this and that. And I've seen a lot of bad stuff happen to you. At first, I figured, they're all grown adults, they can work this out. But they obviously have no good ideas. And your situation hasn't changed either.
  I've been mowing and thinking about all of this. And now I've got to get it off of my chest. Just like when the bag on your mower gets full. Either you empty it, or it explodes everywhere. That's not pretty.
  I've got somethings to say. And I'm not going to say the same things you've been hearing. Don't interrupt me. Don't even 'think interrupt' me. Just listen, and if I'm wrong, you tell me.
  You say, "I haven't done anything wrong. I shouldn't have to go through this. Everything I touch falls apart."  And you are SO wrong. Because God is kind of like grass. If you're being a bad lawn owner, neglecting your plants, not watering, it's like if you're being a bad person. And your lawn tells you that you're doing wrong. It gets brown, bugs invade...  And you complain, "Why is my yard so ugly?"  Some people even have angels (yours truly) to tell them that their yard is in need of some help. But, if they don't listen...  There's quite a few ways to be warned. You just have to pay attention. 
  You say, "I am innocent. And I am still being punished!"  If you aren't, than who is? Everybody forgets to water their lawn now and again. And the yard shows it. Now, if you only water your lawn once a year, of course you're not going to see results. Is that your yard's fault? No. Is it God's fault you're in the mess that you're in? No. Your grass doesn't care who you are. It just grows. Whether you are the president or a homeless guy in the park. The grass under you grows. It responds to your actions as the lawn owner. You can't really say, "I just have bad grass."  How can you blame the grass? How can you blame God? God created you. He created you out of the dust off the earth - grass!
  The grass should be the one saying to you, "I just have a bad owner. That's why I'm brown in patches."  There's not much to it. You own your yard. It's your responsibility. Neglect it and the whole block gets to drive by and point out 'that guy's house'. So you might say, "Oh! I have to water! OK, I'll start doing that, I promise."  Guess what? Right now, your yard is still brown!
  My point is that you don't affect your grass. Yep. You only affect you. Your grass is going to grow. It's alive. And it's almost impossible to kill. But it'll look as ugly as Aunt Martha on December 26th. She had herself made up for Christmas, but now...
  It's just like your life. Go ahead and do lie, cheat, steal, kill, whatever. Does that affect God? Nope. God's still doing his thing. But it comes back to you. Be the best lawn owner ever. Still, does your grass care. Nope. It looks good on you though. The grass hasn't done anything different. It's just trying to grow.
  You may look up to the sky and say, "God, if you water my lawn, I'll get my act together!" **Ironically, as this boy said this, he threw is arms in the air. This obviously caused me to look up into the sky. And as he said this, black clouds start rolling over the horizon. Creepy kid.**
  "You think God's going to listen to that, when you've told him the same story, how many times? And then you say, "Fine God, if you don't, then I'm going to go tell everybody its your fault that my lawn is patchy!"  OK. That's definitely going to work. Your grass reflects on you. Not God, or even itself.
  Your grass dares you to take care of it. Watch how thick it will get. Look at the rich color. Don't let anybody sell you any miracle chemical for your yard. As soon as you stop buying that stuff your lawn goes back to being brown. It only thrives when it gets the real thing - your investment. 
  Look at the sky! Look at how dark it's getting! How does God organize it to storm on us? Was this mass of clouds somewhere else before? Did they all converge here, just for us? Did they only just form over us, and will they dissipate when they're done?
  Hear that thunder? It's like the clouds are stampeding over they horizon towards us, and the thunder is the sound of hooves! Look at the lightning! How does it choose which tree to hit? How hard will it strike? Quick! Start counting. How long until the thunder? How close is it? Is the thunder God's voice, rumbling out a warning of the storm? Is it a command to the storm? "Do not rain until you see the whites of their eyes!", "Let it all out! Don't hold back a drop!"
  When the water falls, everything stops. It's only water, but everyone outside, runs back inside. People inside stare out their windows, stunned by the majestic downpour. When God organizes a tornado, people all quiver! They run to the shelters!
  What keeps the clouds from falling? When will the bottom fall out of it and the gallons and gallons of water come down? Who is safe? What is safe...?
 My lawnmower sure isn't! I've got to get it inside! Bye!


I watch the boy run his red lawnmower down the sidewalk toward his house. I look the opposite way and see the dark clouds nearly covering me. And they're chasing the boy home.
Then it happens. The boy said it would. The bottom dropped out. I just lower myself to sit on the driveway. My clothes are immediately soaked and clinging to my skin. And the warm afternoon breeze is now freezing.
Do I dare demand an answer from God right now? "Why?" doesn't seem like an appropriate topic, as God drops a fury of rain onto me. Instead, maybe I'll take a look at my yard.

I'm Done With This - It's Over!

Dear Life (you know who you are),

   You have broken me. Yep, I'm done. I'm putting an end to it. The grave has been dug.

   I am everybody's punch-line - because of you! I have to listen to them, and look them in the eye everyday. Is this my fault? No. It's you. My reputation is shot. No one understands that I'm not the problem. You are. It's like my name is a synonym for gullible.

   I am physically ill because of you! Yep, you and the stress you've brought me have made me just a shadow of what I used to be.

   People that I respect (and who used to respect me), are now turning their backs and talking about me. Thanks. Once again, you do the deed and I take the fall. Has no one else made a mistake??

   So, we're through. No more. Our days are over. Our plans are wasted. Our dreams are jokes.

   Some people in my situation might say, "Oh, you just need to ride it out. Work the kinks out. The cloud has a silver lining."  Baloney, I say. I glad this is over. It's dead and buried. Which is right where it belongs.

   There is no hope.

   No light.

   I think I've been buried with it.

Sincerely,

My Friend is a Jerkhole

 Here comes my stupid neighbor again. He finds it necessary to 'help' me all the time now. I think its him that needs to be helped. I think a smack to the head would be a good start. I've  heard all his anecdotes a thousand times. I wish I had a big wad of nasty gym socks to shove in his pie-hole!

"Hey neighbor! I was thinking about you the other day, and I think have a solution to your little problem. I wouldn't come over if I didn't know I was on to something good!"

     If I was in this guys shoes... Oh the things I would tell him. Too bad I'd probably run out of breath before I got even half-way through.

"Oh neighbor! I know that look! You can't escape this conversation. Your face gave you away! You have even started muttering to yourself."

     Funny how I get these nervous twitches when he comes around... If I keep muttering, will he take a hint and go away? Doubt it. Oh God, please let this guy get a phone call... OR his mailbox run-over... anything to get him off my back! I've had enough.

"I was thinking, why wouldn't you be so unlucky? What makes you so deserving of good fortune?"

     Yeah. My children die, my land is repossessed, my health is pitiful... why wouldn't all that just happen upon me? It's actually kind of offensive he would even suggest that.

"Like, how would you know that God had a good plan for you? Maybe it's a bad one. You wouldn't know. You're not part of God's 'planning team'. Really, none of us are. What does you know that I don't?"

     Let's see. I don't think God would KILL someone's CHILDREN! I was doing just fine, and then all of a sudden - BOOM!!! (So I'm not going to re-live all the things I've been through, but if you read my first couple posts, you'll pretty much realize that I have a right to be this infuriated.) I feel like a QB who just gets blitzed every play. And not just blitzed, sacked.

"I was talking to your dad yesterday, and we were thinking, why aren't you just clinging to what God says about going through hard times? Don't those calm your nerves?"

     Hmm... What's God say about ulcers? Oh yeah! When you don't have skin, it's a little hard to hold a book! And, NO, I have found anything comforting. I stay awake all night thinking about all the precious things I used to have, and are just gone. My face is red, there are rings under my eyes, but I still scrape up a little hope everyday.

"You shouldn't get carried away in your emotions. Getting mad won't solve your problems. You've probably done something really bad to be deserving all this. What goes around comes around, they say. Maybe you should make it right. Like that TV show."

     Oh, if I thought that was the issue, I'm pretty sure I'd have already done that!

"Listen, so this guy, I think is name is Elroy... no, Leroy... no, Ernie..."

     His name is Earl. The TV show is called, 'My Name is Earl'. Gosh!

"It doesn't matter. So he buys a lotto ticket, and it turns out to be the winner of the mega-jackpot-super-ultra-ball! So he runs across the street to redeem it, and gets it by a car! The ticket flies across the street and into a storm drain or something. Anyway its gone, and Ernie is left wandering, 'Why'd this happen?' He decides is must be karma getting him back for all the bad things he's done."

     ...Earl... And what does a lotto ticket have to do with me?

"I'm not done yet. Then Elroy's wife leaves him. And he gets evicted. And he loses his job. All sorts of stuff."

     E-A-R-L!!! And this isn't even a real story!

"I saw it on TV. If it wasn't true they wouldn't air it. They're not allowed. The FCC or something... But he makes this list of everybody he's done something wrong to, and starts reversing those things!"

    Mhm... and how many things has he reversed?

"Umm... I think 300 and some"

     OK... and where does he live?

"In a motel room with his brother."

     And does he have a job?

"No. But he helps a lot of people."

     And did he get his wife back?

"No. But he is really good friends with her new husband!"

    OK. I'm gonna walk away now. See you later, Eli. I think I've got a better chance with God...