My Friend is a Jerkhole

 Here comes my stupid neighbor again. He finds it necessary to 'help' me all the time now. I think its him that needs to be helped. I think a smack to the head would be a good start. I've  heard all his anecdotes a thousand times. I wish I had a big wad of nasty gym socks to shove in his pie-hole!

"Hey neighbor! I was thinking about you the other day, and I think have a solution to your little problem. I wouldn't come over if I didn't know I was on to something good!"

     If I was in this guys shoes... Oh the things I would tell him. Too bad I'd probably run out of breath before I got even half-way through.

"Oh neighbor! I know that look! You can't escape this conversation. Your face gave you away! You have even started muttering to yourself."

     Funny how I get these nervous twitches when he comes around... If I keep muttering, will he take a hint and go away? Doubt it. Oh God, please let this guy get a phone call... OR his mailbox run-over... anything to get him off my back! I've had enough.

"I was thinking, why wouldn't you be so unlucky? What makes you so deserving of good fortune?"

     Yeah. My children die, my land is repossessed, my health is pitiful... why wouldn't all that just happen upon me? It's actually kind of offensive he would even suggest that.

"Like, how would you know that God had a good plan for you? Maybe it's a bad one. You wouldn't know. You're not part of God's 'planning team'. Really, none of us are. What does you know that I don't?"

     Let's see. I don't think God would KILL someone's CHILDREN! I was doing just fine, and then all of a sudden - BOOM!!! (So I'm not going to re-live all the things I've been through, but if you read my first couple posts, you'll pretty much realize that I have a right to be this infuriated.) I feel like a QB who just gets blitzed every play. And not just blitzed, sacked.

"I was talking to your dad yesterday, and we were thinking, why aren't you just clinging to what God says about going through hard times? Don't those calm your nerves?"

     Hmm... What's God say about ulcers? Oh yeah! When you don't have skin, it's a little hard to hold a book! And, NO, I have found anything comforting. I stay awake all night thinking about all the precious things I used to have, and are just gone. My face is red, there are rings under my eyes, but I still scrape up a little hope everyday.

"You shouldn't get carried away in your emotions. Getting mad won't solve your problems. You've probably done something really bad to be deserving all this. What goes around comes around, they say. Maybe you should make it right. Like that TV show."

     Oh, if I thought that was the issue, I'm pretty sure I'd have already done that!

"Listen, so this guy, I think is name is Elroy... no, Leroy... no, Ernie..."

     His name is Earl. The TV show is called, 'My Name is Earl'. Gosh!

"It doesn't matter. So he buys a lotto ticket, and it turns out to be the winner of the mega-jackpot-super-ultra-ball! So he runs across the street to redeem it, and gets it by a car! The ticket flies across the street and into a storm drain or something. Anyway its gone, and Ernie is left wandering, 'Why'd this happen?' He decides is must be karma getting him back for all the bad things he's done."

     ...Earl... And what does a lotto ticket have to do with me?

"I'm not done yet. Then Elroy's wife leaves him. And he gets evicted. And he loses his job. All sorts of stuff."

     E-A-R-L!!! And this isn't even a real story!

"I saw it on TV. If it wasn't true they wouldn't air it. They're not allowed. The FCC or something... But he makes this list of everybody he's done something wrong to, and starts reversing those things!"

    Mhm... and how many things has he reversed?

"Umm... I think 300 and some"

     OK... and where does he live?

"In a motel room with his brother."

     And does he have a job?

"No. But he helps a lot of people."

     And did he get his wife back?

"No. But he is really good friends with her new husband!"

    OK. I'm gonna walk away now. See you later, Eli. I think I've got a better chance with God...